Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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