Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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