i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
