I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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