Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
