I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Congratulations! We have a period
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
