Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Randomize
