i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
