Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
