Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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