You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
