You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me