who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
