Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I understand Curling. That high.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.