when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
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mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
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He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.