help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
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She just used a chaser for red wine.
where are you?
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
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Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.