I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!