My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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