I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
