One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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