Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
