You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
