mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
