I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
