My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
this just has baby written all over it
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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