M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
