Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
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