Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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