if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
