Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
