Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
