The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
