I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
