Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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