just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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