i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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