Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
