She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
where are my pants?
in the oven.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
