Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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