A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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