She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
