i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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