I wannas sexs uuuuu
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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