Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
