I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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