I wannas sexs uuuuu
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
