wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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