just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Randomize
