nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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