There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
