I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
