i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
