there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
