i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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