i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Randomize
