Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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