Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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