My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
