apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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