Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
