One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Rumble strips road head = magical
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Randomize