Michael Bay diarrhea
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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