a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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