I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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