i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
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To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
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What drink are we having for lunch?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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